I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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