I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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