Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
