He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I deserve this hangover.
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