He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
