i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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