you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize