one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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