A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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