well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
