did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
