She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
