I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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