I just cut my nipple shaving
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
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