it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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