my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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