Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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