So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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