peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
