quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
