My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
