chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
