He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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