I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
