You smell like stripper and shame
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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