96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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