this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
