mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
