planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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