I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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