I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
