ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
