im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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