i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
