God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
