i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
