I faked an abortion last night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
