you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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