I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
