life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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