and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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