My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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