im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
