What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
accomplished twins. life is a go
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
