I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
