i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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