wakey wakey hands off snakey
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
