Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
