Jerry, you need to find god
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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