it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
