Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I think people are normalizing furries
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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