I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
