Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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