The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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