You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
