I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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